DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES...
1. Make horrifically racist remarks.
2. Make horrifically racist remarks, then try to justify them by saying, "My best friend is black."
3. Say the "N" word unless you're black or a racist.
4. Talk about "the struggle" when you're wearing $200 shoes, drive an Audi and have a trust fund.
5. Claim that you're cultured because you live in an ethnic neighborhood. Echo Park hasn't been Echo Park for ten years.
6. Play basketball with long nails. Fuck you.
7. Have this conversation:
Guy 1: Oh, did you catch the game last night?
Guy 2: Yeah, what was that?
Guy 1: They were on the road, dude.
Guy 2: True. What are they, 6-18 on the road this year?
Guy 1: 5-18. They were playing against the zone, too, so...
Guy 2: Yeah, Manny's shot is just not the same against the 2-3, man. He's more of a slasher type, so--did he get to the line at all?
Guy 1: Once.
Guy 2: Oh, come on! He averages 4.5 per!
... When you haven't played a game of basketball your entire life. Fuck you.
8. Accept a blowjob from your girlfriend or boyfriend if you know you stink.
9. Date your friends' exes. Fuck you.
10. Buy ketchup that isn't red.
11. Have this conversation with a known hip-hop head:
Poseur: Why do you only have one Biggie song on here?
Me: Sorry, asshole. I needed to make room for that new Ghostface.
Poseur: Ghostface!? He's garbage compared to Biggie! Ready to Die? Life and Death? Come on!
Me: Okay, GBH, I didn't know Biggie was an underground punk band.
... When he knows you just started listening to Pac a month ago. Silly rabbit.
12. Buy fake Jordans. Unless you don't know, then it's kinda cute. But really. The person who sold it to you is ripping you off hard and laughing at you as you walk away.
13. Be a groupie whore. No one respects you. The band's not going anywhere. You're gonna be fried and washed up 20 years before your time. You're a hole and the guy that's plugging you would trade you for a clean shirt and a Big Mac on the road any day. Plus, you get in the way of people actually enjoying the music when you're up front dancing like an asshole.
14. Say your favorite movie is Nightmare Before Christmas when your entire wardrobe is black and purchased from Hot Topic, even your hair dye and nail polish, and you have tattoos of Jack and Sally. Why? Because it'd be much funnier if you said it was Blue Chips, or Kindergarten Cop, or The Documentary on C-Walking.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Boo Boo of the Day
Texting is an integral part of the dating experience these days. I prefer short conversations of the, "Hey, I'm outside, bye," variety. But I guess if I can convince clubowners that I'm a british hipster, texting's a breeze.
HEART ATTACK! HEART ATTACK MAN! GOIN' NOWHERE, AIN'T GOT NO MASTER PLAN!
HEART ATTACK! HEART ATTACK MAN! GOIN' NOWHERE, AIN'T GOT NO MASTER PLAN!
Sunday, February 22, 2009
DRAG of the DAY
Timing is everything.
Someone said luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity. I believe that. Time, I'm ready for some luck.
Someone said luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity. I believe that. Time, I'm ready for some luck.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
DEUCE of the DAY
Sleeping is most awesome when you're not supposed to be doing it.
The Super Bowl was on today and if I'm not mistaken, everyone, literally every single person alive today, in the world, was watching, riveted, just glued to the screen. Yes. Anyway. I can technically be included in that number of "everyone" because my body was positioned in front of the television, with my head facing forward. My eyes were open also, but only long enough to see the kickoff. That's when I was overwhelmed with Pediatric Syndrome, also known as Extreme Sleepiness.
I coined the term on one San Diego trip in which my sister fell asleep in the middle of our pizza eating contest. Every scientist will tell you that only babies fall asleep early, whether it be during an activity, eating, football games, what have you. Hence, the word Pediatric.
I've been enjoying my Pediatric Syndrome for years now. I only wish I could have as good a sleep when it's really sleepy time, like in the sweet, hot night.
This blog has inspired me to use Pediatric Syndrome as an excuse for something I neglect in the future.
"Virgil, what happened? You were supposed to be here at 8?"
"My Pediatric Syndrome kicked in around 7am when I hit my snooze button, boss. Gimme a break."
"Ahh, I got a touch o' that Extreme Sleepiness, too, last night actually. During the baseball game."
"That's the best!"
"Fuckin A right it is. All right. Get to work, ugly."
The Super Bowl was on today and if I'm not mistaken, everyone, literally every single person alive today, in the world, was watching, riveted, just glued to the screen. Yes. Anyway. I can technically be included in that number of "everyone" because my body was positioned in front of the television, with my head facing forward. My eyes were open also, but only long enough to see the kickoff. That's when I was overwhelmed with Pediatric Syndrome, also known as Extreme Sleepiness.
I coined the term on one San Diego trip in which my sister fell asleep in the middle of our pizza eating contest. Every scientist will tell you that only babies fall asleep early, whether it be during an activity, eating, football games, what have you. Hence, the word Pediatric.
I've been enjoying my Pediatric Syndrome for years now. I only wish I could have as good a sleep when it's really sleepy time, like in the sweet, hot night.
This blog has inspired me to use Pediatric Syndrome as an excuse for something I neglect in the future.
"Virgil, what happened? You were supposed to be here at 8?"
"My Pediatric Syndrome kicked in around 7am when I hit my snooze button, boss. Gimme a break."
"Ahh, I got a touch o' that Extreme Sleepiness, too, last night actually. During the baseball game."
"That's the best!"
"Fuckin A right it is. All right. Get to work, ugly."
Thursday, January 29, 2009
DUMP of the DAY
I am attracted to women who are a touch crazy.
I don't know if I'll ever change, but I will say that after everything that's happened, my outlook on love, and life, for that matter, remains the same. Shit happens and there's no use hanging around a bunch of flies.
I don't need to take the time to smell the poo poo, in other words.
When life hands me lemons, I make lemonade, and when it comes time to clean up, I look at the discarded rinds and I find that there's a caca on one of them, which means, I most definitely drank a lemonade with boo boo balls. It tastes good, but it's wrong. Such is life.
The point of all this is I won't make a conscious effort to rewire my brain into liking certain types of women because that implies that I knew how my brain was wired in the first place. I like women. They just all happen to be crazy. There doesn't have to be anything wrong with that.
I don't know if I'll ever change, but I will say that after everything that's happened, my outlook on love, and life, for that matter, remains the same. Shit happens and there's no use hanging around a bunch of flies.
I don't need to take the time to smell the poo poo, in other words.
When life hands me lemons, I make lemonade, and when it comes time to clean up, I look at the discarded rinds and I find that there's a caca on one of them, which means, I most definitely drank a lemonade with boo boo balls. It tastes good, but it's wrong. Such is life.
The point of all this is I won't make a conscious effort to rewire my brain into liking certain types of women because that implies that I knew how my brain was wired in the first place. I like women. They just all happen to be crazy. There doesn't have to be anything wrong with that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
